


Feel

by river1983



Series: Tumblr Collections [19]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dean Feels Numb, Dean Winchester Has Issues, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Arc: Apocalypseverse Michael Possessing Dean Winchester, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:28:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23476996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/river1983/pseuds/river1983
Summary: Dean stared at the bottom of his glass, not feeling the sting of whiskey down his throat, not feeling anything. It had been only a month after Team Free Will 2.0 finally defeated Michael for good, and expelled him out of Dean. Things were back on schedule, Jack training, Sam leading, and Dean…Who knows?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Tumblr Collections [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1454404
Kudos: 26





	Feel

Dean stared at the bottom of his glass, not feeling the sting of whiskey down his throat, not feeling anything. It had been only a month after Team Free Will 2.0 finally defeated Michael for good, and expelled him out of Dean. Things were back on schedule, Jack training, Sam leading, and Dean…

Nothing.

Dean poured himself another glass and drained it, wanting to feel the burn the alcohol usually left. He didn’t feel anything though, hasn’t felt anything since he came back. He just hid out in his room, staring at the wall for hours, shutting himself down like he did when he was--

Dean shook his head, setting the glass down. He couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ think about it. Michael was _gone_.

But was he though?

He was dead, yes. He made sure of that. But from his mind? The mental gash that was leftover was still bleeding, not tended to at all.

Dean _knew_ it was there. Shock, he guessed. He knew it was there, he knew what it was. Yet he couldn’t get out of the smokey, dull daze he’s been in for weeks. He couldn’t interact with the world around him, feel the clothes on his back, listen to the words of his family. He saw, observed, but couldn’t _experience it._

Or maybe he just wouldn’t.

Maybe he had forgotten how to.

Michael took that from him. His mind had been empty the second time, he hadn’t even _tried_ to get out. He had nothing left in him. He just…

Didn’t.

Maybe he didn’t now.

He needed something, needed to feel _something_. Anything. He couldn’t stand the haze any longer, the numbness was deafening.

He made his way to his bedroom, retrieved some clean clothes, then walked to the bathroom.

A shower.

A cold, blood-freezing shower.

He turned on the water slowly, then stepped out of his clothes. Stepping into the shower, he stood under the cold spray, savoring the sting the droplets left on his skin as they connected.

So he wasn’t incapable.

He just--

Can’t.

He didn’t know how long he stood there. He didn’t even really shower, he just stood. When he finally came out, he was shivering and his fingers were stiff.

He dried off and redressed in the clothes he brought. As he left the bathroom, he almost collided with Castiel.

It scared the hell out of him, flinching so hard he almost fell.

Was that a feeling? He couldn’t remember. “Jesus, Cas!”

Cas didn’t say anything, just looked at him, staring at him like he was searching for something within Dean.

Dean looked down, suddenly unable to look at the angel. It just reminded him of--

He shook his head again. No, Cas _wasn’t_ him. Cas was nowhere near _him_. Castiel understood, he was always there, he was just--

He wasn’t him.

“Dean?” He looked up, finally, at Cas’ bright blue eyes. He squeezed his eyes shut, seeing only the blue light that came from Michael’s--

Suddenly he couldn’t breathe, as if the bleakness and numbness surrounding him started choking him. He gasped, willing his lungs to comply.

“Dean?” Cas repeated, concerned as he stepped closer. Dean reeled backward, he couldn’t--

Cas backed up, his hands up in surrender. Dean closed his eyes to steady himself, anchor himself.

To what? He couldn’t feel the ground beneath him, not really.

God, he was _pathetic_.

One look at blue eyes had him gasping for air, he couldn’t even _shower_ \--

“Dean?” Cas said slowly, stepping a bit closer. “What are you doing? It’s 2 in the morning.” “What?” Dean wheezed, forcing himself to look at Cas once again. All he saw was concern and worry in his eyes, which _didn’t_ remind him of--

He shook his head again.

“What is wrong, Dean?” Cas asked, slight demand in his tone.

“S’nothing.” He muttered. His _throat_ \--

“Dean, please. You’re not okay, stop pretending you are and let me help you.”

Dean was suddenly angry. He glared at Cas, storming back to his room. Cas followed, not willing to let this go. He’s seen Dean. The lost look in his eyes, like he didn’t know where he was. Castiel wouldn’t let Michael continue to affect Dean like this.

They were in Dean’s room.

“Dean let me--” “ _You can’t!_ ” Dean yelled. “You think I _want_ to be like this? You think I _want_ to feel disconnected to the world, freaking out because I see your blue eyes and all I can think about is--”

He choked again but recovered. “I’m fucking _broken_ , Cas. I want--I need--” Cas hesitantly came up to Dean and pulled him into a hug. Dean didn’t have the strength to resist, didn’t _want_ to resist.

He felt the closeness.

He could feel Cas’ hair brushing his face, he could feel the warmth of his body, he could--

He _felt_ it.

“Cas--” Dean stuttered when the angel pulled away.

“Dean.”

Dean stared at the angel, not seeing Michael, but marveling at his face. The blurriness that he once saw was gone, and he sucked in a breath.

“Cas, I--”

He stopped again, losing his words. Cas tilted his head at him, waiting patiently.

He needed--

He needed Cas.

They were in close proximity, so close he could feel Castiel’s breath on his neck. Dean just--

He leaned forward just enough for their lips to connect. Castiel’s eyes widened and he froze as Dean kissed him. The angel wasn’t sure if this was just Dean being impulsive, or if he actually…

Castiel closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss, letting his hands fall on the older hunter’s shoulders. They kissed for a while, but 10 years of unspoken words and a month that felt like a lifetime of just _nothing_ made that okay.

They finally broke away, staring into each other's eyes again.

“Dean--”

“Cas.” “I--” Dean started. “Thank you.” “For what?” Castiel asked, still in shock that Dean Winchester had kissed him.

“For everything.” Cas understood what Dean was trying to say, just from those words. He could feel it.

Dean laughed suddenly, and oh _boy_ did it feel good to laugh. It wasn’t forced, it was a genuine laugh. “You save me once again.” Dean kissed the angel once again, then just let their foreheads touch. He savored the closeness, the closeness of _him_ , the _feeling_ of him.

“I was concerned about you…” Castiel started.

Dean looked at Cas again. “Are you...okay with…” “This?” Cas finished. Dean nodded. “I’ve....wanted this for a long time.” Dean smiled. “Me too.” “Can you...lay down with me?” Dean asked.

Cas smiled warmly. “Of course, Dean.” Dean exhaled slowly and took off his plaid shirt, just wearing his black tee and jeans. Cas took off his trench coat and tie. Cas turned to switch off the light as Dean got in the bed.

Cas hesitantly got in on the other side, laying next to Dean.

“I couldn’t feel.” Cas turned towards Dean, staring at him in the dark.

“Before we--right after--” “I know, Dean.” The hunter exhaled. “It was like--a veil separating me from everything. I was just-- I couldn’t--” Cas turned so that he could clasp Dean’s hand.

“I’m here.”

Dean paused, anchoring himself to Cas, the feeling of their hands together, touching.

“I just shut everything out, you know? I didn’t...I _don’t_ want to. I just--” He clasps Cas’ fingers again. “You just--cut through that. The veil.” He explained. “I just suddenly--”

“I _felt_ you. I--this probably doesn’t make sense but I felt the closeness of you, and your...aura, I guess.” Cas listened intently, still looking at Dean. “You helped me. You’ve always just been here. Even after all the crap I’ve done, the way I’ve treated you...I don’t know why, but you, Cas, still _want_ to be here.” “I want you...I _need_ you to see that I do care about you. I don’t deserve your care, your... _love_ but...I _feel_ you.”

Cas didn’t say anything for a time, which worried Dean.

Maybe he _shouldn’t_ have said anything.

“I feel you too.” That’s all Cas said, but there was so much behind those words. So much feeling, longing, and _understanding_ that Dean just clung to his hand as he started to doze.

When he finally slept, he didn’t dream of the nothingness that was Michael’s possession--he dreamt of Cas.


End file.
